


Careful, a demon lives inside me

by Miss_Black91



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Being Lost, Demons, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 10:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15772155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Black91/pseuds/Miss_Black91
Summary: The demons hide behind a mask. When he looks at him it gets worse, because he feels that he's giving him the monster, his dark side. Damn, Silver deserves so much better than this half of a man full of darkness.





	Careful, a demon lives inside me

He knows that there's nowhere to hide, there's nowhere he can go. And that's funny, it is, because as much as he could try to escape, he won't be able to, he will never be able to hide from this monster. From this giant, huge, ugly, horrific beast that lives very much inside himself. And damn, he would like to escape from this one, he would really like to do so. But he can't, and he definitely won't escape this time. He's not the kind of guy who tries to escape from these kind of situations. He hates living by running away, he faces all the dangers that appear in his path. But this time it would be nice to just go away. Just... leave. Just go away, and leave the monster behind. It would be nice to be able to just take the man with him.

And when he looks at him it gets even worse, because he feels that he's giving him the monster, his dark side, instead of the man that he should be having instead. And Silver deserves better. Damn, Silver deserves so much better than this half of a man full of darkness.

He doesn't know how to treat him, what to do with him. Of course he can't resist him (seriously now, who would be able to resist Silver, with his big eyes and his half smile and his everything?), and when he feels Silver sneaking next to him in the middle of the night there's no way he can look the other way, it's like a force from Hell, or from Heaven, who can even know anymore. But damn, damn, those hands. He can’t say no to those hands, and he would like to know the person who could do it, or who claims so. And he tries to hide the beast, the demons. He wants to protect him, but the beast is inside and so are the demons, and there's nowhere they can hide if Silver is right next to him and he is basically calling for it.

Sometimes he thinks that Silver really wants to call the beast, that he is trying to summon it, almost as if he gets off through it. As if Silver wants the demon, the beast, and that is what he is looking for: to see him whole, to see him unchained and being fully himself for once. Because it's not even normal what happens there, when they are close to each other and he feels Silver’s breath hot on the back of his neck, when Silver slides his hand inside Flint’s pants. It’s in moments like those when Flint really lets go. Flint is himself only when Silver summons him, when he forces him to look into his eyes, where the demon sleeps, where the beast rests in chains. Silver forces the demons to appear, wakes them up and breaks the beasts' chains.

But he can't let go all the time, and so Flint hides every time that he feels the darkness rising inside him. He puts the chains back and he sends the demons back to sleep. But every time he sees Silver, they get fired up instantly. Silver is like an evil witch who knows how to play with him, which buttons he needs to push to make him fly. Or to make him explode. in more than one way. But then he calms down and he realizes that it's not Silver's fault. That Silver is not to blame. That himself, Flint, is the beast, he is the demon, and he is pushing all the blame on Silver. And no, he can’t do that, because it’s not Silver’s fault. Probably the man doesn’t even realize what’s going on. 

“Hey”, he hears his voice behind him. He is trying to sleep, it’s the middle of the night and, once again, Silver has sneaked right next to him without him noticing it. “Are you awake?” 

“No, I’m sleeping”, he answers. 

“Funny”, Silver says. “See? You can be funny”.

“I’m astonishingly killing, if you know what I mean”.

“Wow, wow, stop or I’ll die myself”, Silver answered. Then he felt him getting in his bed behind him. “Hello, Captain Funny”. 

He feels Silver’s body pressing against his back and his hands around his waist. There he is, and he could not have found a better moment. And there they go again. Flint can feel the darkness inside him waking up, calling for him, waiting for Silver. All the effort that it takes him every single day to keep himself under control just goes away when he is under Silver’s spell. He can’t fight against that, rather he asks for it, he wants it, he needs it and Silver is just there to provide. And they sweat, and they exchange a lot of hushed words with no sense at all (and that make a lot of sense at the same time, in that moment especially). And when they finish, when they are done, he looks at Silver and there it is. That smile. Those eyes, those clear eyes which hide no demons and which are just pure light. There can be no eyes in this world that can hide more light within. 

And he has to start again. The hiding. The chaining. The lullaby to put to sleep all that he has inside. Go away, go away, go away. Appear in battle, appear then when you are needed, when I’m a man of war. Do not appear here, do not do this to him. Do not put that weight on him. Do not let Silver see what I’m carrying inside me. Let him see the man, do not let him see the beast. He is tired, and the sex is way too good, and Silver is there and he trusts him, and his guard just drops a little too much. As it always does. And Flint can feel it, as he always can. And then he does it, as he always does. 

“Won’t you go back to your hammock to sleep?” 

He can see it, he can see the disappointment, it’s always there. Flint is still surprised that Silver keeps appearing time and again after that, after always pushing him away. Why does he do that? Why does Silver go back? Can’t he see that he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve him? Apparently not. Because Silver just forces a smile, whispers  _ good night, Captain,  _ and disappears from his room. As soon as the door closes behind him, the room changes completely. The moonlight disappears, and everything gets darker than Hell. And his mind goes crazy, and everything is buzzing around him. 

Because no, the demon won’t go back to sleep that easy. If you give it fuel, deal with the flames.

*

He did not get any kind of sleep last night, of course. He wants blood, and he’s going to get it. He needs something to fight. He needs to stick his sword into someone (no, not like  _ that _ ) and see the pain and see the blood. He needs to feel the pain in his skin when he battles. He needs to suffer, as if it is some kind of extreme masochism that nobody can understand. He wants to fight, he needs to fight the whole world and nobody can understand it. The ocean is calm and there are no other ships around him, that’s just his luck: there’s nobody to pick a fight against. Flint is so focused on the ocean that he doesn’t hear Silver approaching him. He really needs to pay more attention to stuff or he’ll end up sharing a bed with Davy Jones. 

“Any plans for today, Captain?”, Silver asks, standing next to him. There it is again. Clouds, darkness, fire. As he feels his mask slipping, he gets his self-control back. He can’t lose it like that. Like a toddler. “Maybe we should try and board something, the men need a battle”. 

_ I need a battle too, Silver.  _

"Cap'n! Ship ahoy!" he hears. Flint takes his spyglass and looks into the horizon. There it is. Seems like good prey. Good enough at least. His men are awaiting instructions, expecting an attack order. He nods to Silver, and they understand each other perfectly (it's what they do). They start to give instructions around the ship, it's going well. As it always does. Everyone knows what the job is about, everyone knows what the Captain wants and how he wants it. They don't need anything else, they don't need further training or explanation. And as the ship comes closer, their odds looks better and better. There are some soldiers, but not enough for them to be a big threat.

It starts as it always does, you get close to your prey. You look at it and keep studying it, looking for weaknesses. You fire your cannons, get some cannons fired at you and, if you get close enough, your crew throws the grappling hooks to keep the vessel close, the ships clash and you board it. And the ships have just clashed, the battle is about to start. Flint's crew rush to the fight, eager to take some blood and some coin. And the Captain himself goes with them, as he will never miss a good fight. There are sounds of men getting sliced off everywhere, and Flint walks around the ship as if he already owned it.

They had it, they really had it this time. It was so close. That ship was carrying good treasure. Pure luck. But he is careless this time. And the last thing that he can see is the world turning black and himself falling down with a big cut across his stomach.

 

*

_ Billy _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

_ Ships on fire, cannon sounds all around him _

_ Miranda _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

_ A huge thunderstorm, ships wrecking apart _

_ Vane _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

_ Blood, battle, sweat _

_ Eleanor _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

_ The nightmares won’t stop, he can’t get out _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

_ Thomas _

_ Silver _

*

He wakes up, eventually. And he sees Silver next to him, sitting on a chair, reading a book. He can't see which book is it, his head is hurting as if he had a whole drumming band inside it. But there he is, next to him, always next to him, as if he was some kind of guardian angel in training. Always taking care of him, always looking out for him, even if sometimes he can't notice it, even if sometimes he's some kind of idiot who can't see it. But now he does. He sees everything. He sees Silver looking into his eyes, seeing the demon and fully accepting it. Seeing the darkness and taking it. The whole of it, not only one part. What an amazing man. How has this happened? He will never know.

"You are an idiot", Silver says. "I hope you know that".

"Starting to", Flint tries to smile, but it's too much. It hurts too much. Everything.

"Well, I hope you are happy now that you managed to get hurt again", Silver murmurs. "No, what the hell, you won't be happy until the day you fucking die".

"Silv-"

"Don't you fucking 'Silver' me", he says. "You are up. I'll tell the doctor. Just wanted to make sure that you didn’t die in your sleep. Now I'll leave you with yourself".

And he leaves. Well, he has had it coming all along, he can't lie about that. He should have listened, but he couldn't do it when he really needed to do it. And now he's there, in that room with a huge headache, a huge cut crossing his ribs and demons dancing all around the room, happy as ever, as the darkness is taking over everything else because the light has left the room. He notices then that they aren't on the open sea. They are back in Nassau. Fuck. How long has he been out? No wonder Silver is pissed. Or maybe more than pissed. He would come around eventually, wouldn’t he?

There have been nightmares. They seemed to go on for an eternity. He is so tired, he is exhausted, and not only physically. He is awake, but the dark clouds are still haunting him like a pestering little boy who won’t get away from you. Flint doesn’t want to think about the nightmares, he doesn’t want to think at all. 

 

*

 

"I know you are angry", Flint starts. Silver looks at him from the corner of his eye, and something inside Flint wants to just run away. He can’t, of course, it has taken a huge effort on his part just to get there, but he isn't going to say that to anyone. He is pretty sure that something inside him is still bleeding and his head wants to just explode, but he has to be an adult and fix this. "Look, I just wanted to explain that-"

"What's the point?"

"Wait, what?"

"Yes, what's the whole point? Why do you want to explain anything to me? Who am I?"

"What are you talking about? You are Silver".

"See? There it is, now you even avoid answering. I go to your room, I warm you up a little. We fuck, for fuck's sake, and then you always push me away until you need some more warming up".

"That's not what I wanted to talk about".

"No, of course not, you want to make up some kind of explanation to try and justify almost killing yourself, but I want to talk about everything. About what's been going on for months now. No, shut the fuck up, you did enough. Why do I keep going back? Why am I like this?", Silver says with a tired voice. He starts to walk away. "You are always pushing me away just after I give you what you want and that's it. And I'm tired. Now you can go and kill yourself if you want to".

"You always come back", Flint says. He takes a step towards Silver, who stops to listen, just in case Flint goes and says something interesting. "I keep pushing you away and you keep coming back, and I can't understand why".

Silver just looks at him in silence, waiting. Expecting a reasonable explanation, as Flint has been basically talking nonsense. "So?"

"Why do you come back?" I'm not a full man, you only get half of it".

"What the f- what does that even mean now?", Silver looks tired.

And Flint starts to speak. He speaks about the darkness, about the demons, about the beasts, about the need for blood, about losing control, about not being able to feel anything but rage sometimes. He talks about the darkness that clouds his mind and the lust that asks for violence, about how hard it is to keep it silent. He talks about everything that is on his mind and he can't stop talking. He talks and talks and keeps talking about how his mind works. How he lets go when Silver is inside him. How he is scared of it, of those demons taking over. He talks about control and about death and about life and about past lives and about the world and about everything, and Silver is just there standing, listening to him. 

“And it doesn’t matter what I do or how much I try to do it, I can’t hide from you”, Flint finishes. Silver opens his mouth, but he doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t know what to say. “It’s hard, because there is this mask that I’m wearing the whole time and it protects me from the world and you destroy it completely”. 

They remain silent for some minutes. Flint is starting to get anxious, as Silver’s face is unreadable. The man is thinking, but that’s all that he can know now. After a while, Silver approaches him, takes his arm, and guides him back to the room in silence. “You need to rest”, Silver says, pointing to the bed with his head. Flint nods, as he can’t argue that. “Try and get some sleep”. And he leaves the room. 

*

Eventually Silver comes back. Silver always comes back. It's what Silver does, and Flint has learnt to realise that. He can't be scared when it comes to Silver, because he knows that he can trust him blindly. Because it doesn't matter what happens, he will always be there for him. Even if he is angry, pissed, or they fight, which they do a lot, he eventually always comes back to him. First as a friend, now as he doesn't even know what. And he is mad at himself, because he keeps making stupid choices like pushing him away.

"You know what? I still don't get it”, Silver starts speaking as soon as he gets into the room. He doesn’t even say  _ hello _ first. “All that darkness thing. All I see is Flint. Maybe I never wanted to see it. Or maybe I've always seen it so I can't tell the difference. I guess that I mean that you can drop the act", Silver says, clearly trying to find the right words. Flint doesn't know what to say to that. The man is basically asking him to throw the mask away. He doesn’t know if he can do that. Can that be done? Can he expose himself? Is that safe? 

"I can't just- It's not that easy".

"Yes. Yes it is", Silver repeats eagerly. "It's me. I know you. I see you".

_ I see you. _

"You... see me?" Flint hesitates. "Do you really know what you are seeing?" It seems impossible, Flint thinks. If Silver really saw him for what he really is, he wouldn’t be there, would he? No, he definitely wouldn’t. That’s why Flint is damn sure that Silver is not seeing what he thinks that he is seeing. 

"You are not an angel. You are violent, but terribly smart, and you've got some issues that clearly should be addressed some day, and I see all that. I'm seeing the good and the bad, I've always seen it".

Okay, maybe Silver can see some stuff. "And why are you still here?"

"Are you that blind? And here I was telling everyone how smart you are supposed to be" Silver begins. "I see it all, and I take it all".

"Oh... Oh" Flint doesn't know how to process this.

"I'm still mad that you keep pushing me away", Silver states. Flint nods. They can take care of that later, now is not the time. 

*

Days later, they are back on high seas. They are both staring at the long blue line that is drawn in the horizon, enjoying the silence. Well, the  _ silence,  _ they are in silence, because a ship full of pirates clearly can never be in full silence. It hasn’t been long since the attack, but Silver has seen that he can't keep Flint away from his ship for long, and the man is going to need some kind of action while recovering. Well, he  _ says _ that he is fully recovered and he doesn't need resting, but the opinion of virtually everyone else is quite different. But that doesn't matter, Silver has learnt that he can't try to convince Flint of anything when the man has his mind set on something.

"Do you know where we are going?" Silver asks, knowing that Flint doesn't have a clear direction in his mind and is just approaching the places where, usually, merchant ships can be spotted. The man is just trying to find some coin. Or maybe not, he can’t really tell sometimes whether Flint is onto something or he is just chilling around the sea. 

"Not really, no", Flint accepts gladly. 

"That's okay, you are lost... But at least we are lost together, aren't we?", Silver answers.

“I’m not lost”, Flint said dryly.

“You don’t know where you are going, are you? That’s called being lost”.

"Fine, whatever. But you are not lost".

"Well, I can get lost with you, it's pretty clear that I can't resist the opportunity of getting in trouble" Silver answers with a smile on his face. That helps a lot, especially after the argument. Silver has been his usual self since, and Flint is learning how, or trying to, stop pushing him away. But it's a whole process, and sometimes Flint doesn't know if Silver is willing to put up with him. With everything that comes with him. Well, he is, it's crystal clear that he is, but Flint can't process why so he keeps thinking that one day Silver will just get tired of the whole situation. 

And Silver knows that, that's why he'll never stop being there for him. Because, every single time that he has needed something, Flint has been there to save his ass. And that’s a pretty solid life insurance for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I loved writing it. It has been quite some time since I watched Black Sails and since I wrote about it, but I hope I got it right. Thank you for reading!


End file.
